Here is a list of things that, just for today, I'm okay with being powerless over:
1) The weather. (I should probably mention that it's 79 degrees outside and sunny.)
2) Having to climb the stairs because the escalator in the subway was out of order.
Here is a list of things I'm powerless over that I'm having a hard time accepting:
1) That certain people have loads of money just handed to them and others don't.
2) My boss is not in a 12 step program even though, in my humble opinion, she should be.
3) When/if my acting career will ever make a quantum leap.
4) Republicans and Democrats always fighting instead of coming together and cooperating.
And the list goes on and on. Before I got sober I didn't realize that there are only two things within my power: my attitude and my actions. I thought that if I ranted and raved against rich people enough my misery would be telepathically communicated to them and they would suffer (because everyone knows rich people don't suffer ;-/) But when I got sober I realized I had to change this stinking thinking if I wanted to continue beating my disease one day at a time. And part of changing includes
turning people, places and things over to my creator whom I choose to call God. My sponsor suggested I do this by inserting the name of the person/place or thing I'm struggling with into the third step prayer: "God, I offer rich people to you. To build with them and to do with them as you will...". But even after I do that I still want to continue clinging to the resentment which I once heard someone say in a meeting is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. This is not a solution! Yet I have been using it as if it is a solution for so long that I believe it might as well be. So, now what??? Last night I got an answer at a meeting when the speaker shared about the third step and how it's an opportunity to turn your thoughts and your actions over to God. I immediately thought, "But wait! That's the part I'm in charge of: my attitude and actions! So, basically, I'm supposed to turn over everything???" And, right on cue, God said to me (and I know it was God because these words just don't sound like me): "If you have a better idea on how to build a firm foundation for your life just let me know." So I was quiet and then I said, "You know what, God? Take it. Take it all. My thoughts, my actions, the economy, my boss, world hunger, my guilt, my envy....you can have it. Because I can't carry it anymore." And you know what? God took everything in that moment and left me with an empty God-sized hole that was immediately filled with love. It was bliss. And then I took the wheel back because I was feeling so good I thought I could take the driving from here, but that's ok. It's progress not perfection and I won't ever stop making an effort to move forward.
Fri, August 12, 2011
by Grace Weaver